"I should have known better"

I was naive
I blamed myself
I was in college
“I was old enough to know better”
“I was sexually assaulted before. I should have known this would happen”
“i shouldn’t have put myself in that situation”

His name was Christopher. We were in the same class. We sat next to each other and talked the whole time. He was cute. He always stared at me while I did my class work. It made me nervous but it felt nice to be noticed.

He was new to America. I translated class instructions to him because he didn’t understand. He took advantage of that. He asked me to come over and help him with our final class paper.  He said he didn’t understand what the assignment was. So I agreed to help.

I went to his place one day. We were supposed to work on a paper. I had my research papers with me. He invited me to his room, his computer was there. I agreed. I should’ve said no. I should have asked him to meet in the school’s library instead of his place. I trusted him. I blamed myself. I still do at times.

He forcefully grabbed me. Said he was attracted to me. Started kissing me. he started touching me. He said i was super flirty. I didn’t kiss back. I told him maybe we should take it slower. I told him i didn’t really feel comfortable. That I didn’t want to. He said nothing. he didn’t stop.

He pinned me down and pulled his shirt off. I pushed him off. He grabbed me again and said I needed to calm down. that i was tense. that I would enjoy this. That girls my age did this. that i was being difficult. I didn’t notice myself start to cry.

he stared at me and my tears in surprise. but he didn’t stop. He tried taking my skirt off. I screamed and kicked him. In a flash I grabbed my things and ran for the door.

he chased me down the street.

I don’t know how I made it home. I cried the whole way.

The worst was having to see him in class again.

why are we taught it is our fault?