When I started walking on this path of healing I thought forgiveness was part of the adventure. I thought about forgiving past friends, ex-partners, and the man who sexually abused me. Time and time again I am asked if I have forgiven him.
“It’ll bring you peace” they say to me.
I also heard the infamous, “if you don’t forgive him you are at risk of repeating cycles of abuse.”
“You’re just as bad as he is.”
“Forgiveness helps you move forward.”
“It is part of surviving a crime.”
“Forgive Angy, forgive.”
I. Am. Sick. And. Tired. Of. This.
The only person I have to forgive and make peace with is MYSELF me yo Angy. Hello! Did we forget I was the one who has had to deal with the consequences of all this?
I need to forgive myself for all the times I said I should’ve done more, better, different. I need to forgive me for all the blaming I placed on myself. I need to forgive myself for all the times I replayed it in my mind wondering if I said “no” loud enough. If I indeed pushed him off. If I said something to start the abuse. I need to forgive myself for all the sleepless nights and lack of food. I need to forgive myself because I did do enough and I am worth more.
I exist and I am breathing for myself and me only. I am not here for you. I am not here for him. I am not here to forgive him. I am not here to let him know that what he did is okay now. It is not my job to make him feel better. It was not okay. It never will be okay. I am not here to prioritize him. Forgiveness has become a tool to control survivors. Tying our peace and comfort into his existence.
Does anyone ever speak to him about forgiveness? About apologies?
I will never be at peace and that is something I’ve come to terms with. No, I am not like him and never will be. That dark silhouette in the distance on my walk home will always make me squeeze my keys harder. Dating will always feel unsafe. I will always flashback. Those nightmares will always pop up. The paranoia I feel in bathrooms and during solo cab rides won’t disappear. This is the reality of my healing.
Forgiving myself and learning to cope with the cards I’ve been dealt is part of my survival. Learning to manage, reduce, and maybe even eliminate triggers and flashbacks are my reality. Forgiving myself is my priority.
Laughter and happiness are all on my path to betterment. It is up to me to take care of myself. I will not sacrifice my soul and well being for his sanity. I refuse to forgive you, because I am too busy forgiving myself.