Angy,
My name is Jorge Ocampo and I’m 22 years old. I live in Southern California in the city of Los Angeles. I am writing to you because I feel like we’re on the same page. I would like to get some advice from you in regards to what I should do to help myself and not stress about this anymore. My friends can’t even relate to this or understand what I’m trying to do. I don’t want to feel like I’m wasting my time because I know deep down in my heart I’m not. Okay so here it goes.

I met this wonderful person two months ago who felt lost and confused in the world. I didn’t know what was wrong with her. Later on she told me that she’s an undocumented immigrant. It’s hard for her to tell somebody about her personal life and I respect that. The day she told me this, she was so frustrated and felt like a piece of trash. You’ve mentioned before that having a diploma can feel like it’s just a paper and I remember her saying that too. I did as much as possible to make her understand that there are so many ways to get a job, get scholarships, a car and dream big. But she said that I don’t understand that nobody understands her.

I told her to get married with someone and there you go, you’ll get papers and now you’ll be able to dream big. I asked her if she wanted me to help her and when she asked how, I told her to marry me. She didn’t think of that possibility before, it’s the simplest way, right? The process might take time but after all that everything will be okay. So I offered my life, time and everything for this woman who I truly admire but she doesn’t know. Here is where I feel is the beginning of the story of us.

After asking her to marry me she told me with a straight face, “I don’t want any emotional attachments whatsoever” and I respected that so I moved on. Later on I found out that she liked another guy which bothered me, I’m not going to lie, but I didn’t let it show.

We have been texting and getting to know each other here and there. We met up and talked about each other’s lives, we’re both really busy now. She’s trying to look for a job and I’m going to school full-time plus work. It’s really stressful for both of us but especially for her because she can’t really do much. I can just picture myself without papers and how life would be, it seems so hard.

Having known her now makes me feel so dumb for not knowing her earlier. I feel complete with her. We both have goals we want to accomplish and she wants to do so many things that I feel like I need to be top of all my things or she’ll lose interest in me. She’s a big time feminist but old-fashioned at the same time. She’s not the kind of woman who will cook for a man, nor would she take their bullsh*t. She doesn’t like poetry; she thinks it’s cheesy. She loves tattoos and she is the weirdest woman I’ve ever met. She keeps me wondering everyday and I’m always learning new things about her. She is really shy, mysterious, smart and cautious about a lot of things. I don’t want to get hurt in the end if I do this for her as friend. I feel like I’m falling for her. She has a huge heart and wants to do a lot in life. It’s only been a few months and already she’s driving me crazy, in a good way.

I think I like “la mala vida” which means tough love in Spanish. The way she is, hard to get, is something I’ve always wanted from a girl. But she doesn’t know how I truly feel and I feel like I’m not myself anymore like if I have to act a certain way around her. I know she’s changing me for the better by providing me with feedback or pushing me to better myself like getting a better job or how to talk to others properly. Knowing somebody as smart as her makes me feel like a better individual. I thought you could help me. All I’m asking if this is worth it?

Jorge, Thank you for e-mailing me this soap opera story. I felt like it was Romeo and Juliet but an inter-status story. There are a lot of things you talk about here and I’m going to try to address it all. Let’s start.

Being undocumented not only affects the person but also those who are around. Many times we limit ourselves on opportunities, including relationships, because of our immigration status, fear of rejection and other things. Speaking for myself, I sometimes feel like my future is so uncertain and I don’t have a lot of the basic answers to my life. With this in mind, I always feel like I don’t want to drag someone else along the mud with me. I’ve tried to push people away based on status. It’s hard because sometimes you want to give your partner everything they deserve, and more, but you can barely do that for yourself so imagine how hard it is to give. You have to also consider the possibility that she’s been hurt before or that maybe she’s thinking about leaving back to her country and that’s why she doesn’t want to get close to anyone. Also, you don’t know if she feels the same way for you since you haven’t taken the risk of telling her; she might just see you as a friend.

Regarding marriage, it’s not that easy for some to get married for papers and not everyone qualifies for citizenship through marriage. For years the idea of marriage for papers has been taboo, some see it as another option, some see it as giving up and some see it as immoral. If there ever comes a day when you two, or anyone else reading this, considers marriage for papers speak to a professional attorney. I cannot provide legal advice. Anyway, you should not try to force anyone into marriage, undocumented or not, it takes two people. She might be wanting to find an answer for her immigration status on her own and not have to depend on anyone. Understand that she may be wanting to help herself and empower herself. In part you sound as if she cannot live her life or move ahead without you and she might be looking for you to believe in her.

By the way you describe her she sounds like she’s worth it and if in the end it doesn’t work out, be happy you met her and she helped you become a better person. Tell her how you feel, you never know what could happen. If she doesn’t like you back, at least you tried. And even if she just wants you in her life as a friend, be there for her as an honest friend. Be there for the happy moments and the sad moments, when she’s rejected and accepted. Be there for her when she’s confused and scared for her future instead of trying to make up her mind for her. With time, if she does like you back, things may work out fine. At the end you ask me if this is worth it but at the beginning you say you knew in the bottom of your heart that it is. I think you knew the answer all along.

Good luck!

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The views expressed by the author on this post do not necessarily reflect the views of the New York State Youth Leadership Council (NYSYLC)